Smashing, eh?
by Mr. Lefty
Summary: New chapter - The tournament FINALLY starts, and the Smashers are visited by a mysterious person... Reviews are gladly accepted. --DISCONTINUED FOR NOW--
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, or anything else in this story, except maybe the province of New Brunswick. ...Nah, I don't own that either.

Smashing, eh?

By Mr. Lefty

Prologue: Master Plans

Darkness. An infinite void of blackness. Not a single star, comet, or even a stray asteroid could be seen. The only things existing in this empty reach of space were two entities floating in space. "I'm starting to get a little bored up here," said the one on the left. The one on the right turned to his companion, stared at him for a while, gave an exasperated sigh, and, in a moment of frustration, erupted with a cry of "**Ya think**? We've been floating up here doing nothing for years! I don't know why we haven't found something to entertain ourselves, even something as insipid as watching reality shows!"

"Well," said the left one, "it might not be years, since time flow in space is..."

"I don't care! I must find something to keep me amused, or I'm going to become as crazy as you!" The organism _a la derecha _looked over to the guy on the left, who was humming and moving himself to the beat of the "Bonanza" theme song.

"So, what," said the left dude, delaying his western TV show groove. "Are you saying we should turn on "Extreme Makeover" or something?"

"No," said left's opposite, giving off a sly aura, "I've got something else in mind. Do you remember that fighting tournament I had a few years ago?"

"Yeah, it was pretty...tournament-like and stuff."

"Couldn't have said it better myself, _mon frère_. But I was just thinking that I should hold another one, only with more competitors and excitement. And, while I'm not going to let you help me organize anything ever again, I will let you help me recruit."

"Recruit?"

"Yes. Find sixteen of the greatest fighters you can think of, and then report to me. Then, stay away for about a year, since I've had about as much of you as I can take, _O_ _Mano Loco._"

"You bet'cha, bro. You ain't nevah gonna see such a lineup in yo' life!"

"Excellent. Now, begone! I have some recruiting to attend to myself..." And with that, both creatures disappeared into the blackness, anticipation in one mind, and the theme song to "Bewitched" in the other.

To be continued...

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Sorry about the short chapter. The next one will be longer and better, I promise.Feel free to review while you eagerly anticipate the next installment of... Smashing, eh? 

Also, the PG rating may go up later.


	2. Chapter Uno

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, but I wish I did. I also wish I owned the entire continent of North America, but that's life.

Chapter 1: Invitations

It was a day like any other day, and a cliché like any other cliché. It was a bright, bright, bright, bright sunshiny day in the peaceful and beautiful Mushroom Kingdom, and all the citizens could see clearly now that the rain was gone. The morning dew sparkled on all the plants of the Kingdom's largest city, Toad Town. It was a perfectly normal big city, smaller than somewhere like Los Angeles, but bigger than somewhere like Burlington.

Above all the city's commotion, on a hilltop that could still be seen easily from Toad Town's lowest point, stood a magnificent and picturesque castle. It was quite a scene to behold, medieval architecture and modern skyscrapers, all in the same breathtaking vista. It was in this relic of a bygone era that the Mushroom Kingdom's monarch, Princess Peach Toadstool lived and ruled. She was a good ruler in some of the population's eyes, and a great ruler in the rest. She was even voted People magazine's "Most Benevolent Monarch". The princess was even kind to her servants, except for when she was in a bad mood, then they hid in the places most far away from "Satan and Medusa's love child".

She was also considered beautiful to the typical male resident of the Kingdom. She had bright blue eyes, long blond hair that most people considered had substantial amounts of hair gel; it rarely blew in the wind and stuck out in places, and a body that Playboy and Sports Illustrated had tried for years to get on their centerfolds and swimsuit issues. Her usual garb was not tight leather, a case that Spike TV often made, but an elegant pink dress with a deep blue brooch pinned on it that her mother had given her on her deathbed.

This particular morning, Peach was in a good mood, despite having stubbed her toe earlier, and letting out several words that would have made a sailor turn white. She went out the castle's grand front doors, to the royal yard where she then opened the mailbox to collect the day's post. "Hmm...let's see..." she said, absently sorting through the mass of letters. "Bill, bill, bill, a letter from Bill, a letter for my servant Bill, a letter for Bill from another guy named Bill...oh!" She stopped as she saw a letter with no manifestation whatsoever of the word "bill", but a letter addressed to her with no return address, and a stamp with what appeared to be a white glove on it. "Odd. I wonder what this is," she mused to no one in particular. Her curiosity getting the better of her, she opened the envelope and unfolded the document inside.

Dear Princess Toadstool,

You have been cordially invited to attend the 2nd not-really-annual-but-it-sounds-better Super Smash Brothers tournament to compete for the title of "Greatest Warrior in the Galaxy". On September 1st, a means of transportation to this event shall appear at exactly 10:00 AM sharp (ooh, a redundancy!). However, it will disappear at 10:01 AM, so make sure you're packed ahead of time. This event will last for a year, so pack plenty of clothes and video games. Food, etc. will be provided for free. Only respond to this letter if you cannot come; you can call me at 1-800-THE-HAND if that is the case.

Yours "handily",

The scrawl at the bottom was illegible to the untrained eye, but years of reading and deciphering ancient scripts and writings had given her just enough training to make out the initials: M.H.

There was also a P.S. that said:

You'd better be able to come or I shall put a plague on both your houses: your castle and your summer home! Hahaha!

Peach's first impulse upon reading the letter was to immediately throw it away and dismiss it as "spam", especially with all the "hand" references and the misinterpretation of the line from Shakespeare. However, something in her subconscious told her that this was not some sick joke, and that it was legitimate and to not throw the letter away. And to never invite Mario to another fund-raiser with free pasta again. Speaking of Mario, she dimly remembered him telling her about some kind of Super Smash thing. Well, she thought, I guess I'll go, if only to get away from my annoying servants.

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Roy of Pharae sat watching TV in his 70's fashioned room in a 1300's fashioned castle overlooking a big 2000's fashioned city (sound familiar?). Roy was the lord of Pharae's son, and he was often fairly bored, as there was never anything good on TV. Or was there?

"Woo hoo! Yeah! Take it off!"

Umm...OK, I don't think I want to know... anyway, Roy was definitely entertained, but someone opening the door interrupted his...activities.

"Aaa! Oh, it's just you," he said relieved, as the person who had entered was the butler, Jim-Bob. "Didn't I tell you that when the door is closed, it means 'do not disturb'?" the red-headed royalty said indignantly. "I thought our relationship didn't need explicit, written instructions!"

"Terribly sorry, sir," the butler said in his crisp, English accent. "But I found this letter addressed to you in the mail and I thought you might want it."

"No, throw it out. Or better, give it to me and let me burn it."

"But sir, it's not from a crazed fangirl." Roy was extremely puzzled at this revelation. He hardly ever got letters that weren't from deranged women wanting his autograph, date, hand in marriage, or worse.

"OK, let me see it," said Roy. He took the letter from Jim-Bob, shredded the envelope, and carefully read the letter, ready to burn the letter to a golden black at the slightest pick-up line (which usually sucked), innuendo, or any instance of the word "boudoir". He still didn't know what that meant, but he had had a rather nasty experience with someone who wrote him a letter with that word in it. "Hmm...it says I'm invited to something called the Super Smash Bros. Tournament to fight against other people. Well, I've always liked fighting stuff, so I guess I'll go."

"Jolly good, sir. Shall I tell your father?"

"Yes, but make sure it's made clear that I am going and he won't stop me." Roy's father, Eliwood, was rather overprotective.

"Yes, sir." And with that, Jim-Bob left, and Roy resumed his "viewing".

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Banjo the bear snored in the light of the early dawn, happily dreaming of honey, and fried chicken, and grits, and chicken-fried steak, and other down-home southern cooking. He was about to take a big helping of garlic mashed potatoes, when he was suddenly interrupted by incessant squawking noises. "Banjo, wake up, you lazy bum! It's ten-o'clock! Did you hear me? Wake up! ¡Despiértate! " Banjo yawned sleepily and slowly sat up in his bed. The incessant squawking noises he had heard in his dream were made by his friend, Kazooie.

Kazooie was a red bird. But she wasn't just any red bird. She was a Red-Crested Breegull, who, unfortunately for everyone else, could talk. That wouldn't be so bad in itself, but Breegulls were notorious for their awful tempers and scathing comments. However, Banjo was one of the only people if not the only person who had the patience (and self-control) to look past Kazooie's trying, foul-tempered outside, to her equally trying, foul-tempered inside. But despite any arguments they might have, Banjo and Kazooie were best of friends, if total opposites.

"Good morning Banjo! I brought in the mail and fixed breakfast!" No, that wasn't Kazooie, but Banjo's adorable little sister, Tooty. While Banjo and Kazooie were opposites, Tooty and Kazooie were even more opposites. Tooty rarely got irritated at anything ever, and she was always in a good mood and willing to do anything to help out.

"Oh, thanks, Tooty," Banjo said in his southern drawl. One wouldn't think so, but sometimes his accent got him into trouble by getting him mistaken for George W. Bush. It all depended on their political views, but his accent got him chased after (for many different purposes), criticized and praised, and somebody jumped him in the street once. One skeptic kept thinking that Banjo was really Bush in a bear suit, and ripped his fur off. Needless to say, that person got more than his fur ripped off (get your mind out of the gutter).

Banjo looked through the mail, most of it being magazines about honey, hate letters from Gruntilda, his arch-nemesis, or bills. One, however, stood out from the rest. It was addressed to Banjo and Kazooie, but it seemed...odd. Banjo opened the letter, Kazooie reading over his shoulder, and read it aloud. It was the exact same letter that Peach and Roy had received previously, only it looked as though the writer did it in a big hurry, and with the messiest writing possible. "Well, I can barely make it out, but I think it says something about fighting in a tournament. What do you think, Kazooie?"

"I think we should go! I've been bored lately, I think it would be fun to kick someone's ass!"

"Kazooie!" Banjo didn't object to Kazooie's foul mouth, which was usually way fouler than this, but since Tooty was around, Banjo tried not to expose his impressionable little sister to any more swear words than she needed to hear.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Sheesh, I'd go just to get away from that stupid Tooty..." she said quietly to herself.

"What was that, Kazooie?" questioned Banjo.

"Uh, nothing." Banjo knew that it probably was something, but he had learned not to inquire too deeply into Kazooie's business.

"Okay." Banjo then went off to eat his pancakes, slathering them with a substantial amount of honey.

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Yes, there are going to be some other characters in this story besides the SSBM ones. Also, it's not like Peach, Roy, and Banjo are going to be the main characters, they're just the ones I picked to be in this chapter. Anyway, in the next chapter, you get to see all (or most) of the Smashers. Until then, remember the three R's: Read, review, and...ramble on like I'm doing here. The next chapter should be up in a few days.


	3. Chapter Beta

  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo...yet.  
  
Chapter 2: The Wheels on the Bus  
  
It was the eagerly awaited morning of September 1st, and the thirty-some-odd people and non-people who had been invited to the tourney were pacing around, doing last-minute packing, and instructing their housekeepers about maintenance. There was, however, one girl who wasn't invited, and didn't even know this thing existed. Why am I writing about her, you ask? Keep your pants on, I'll get to it. This oblivious girl was currently in the nation of Johto, in the world known to most people as simply "The Pokémon World".  
  
She was staying with her parents after spending a few weeks in the desert nation/territory of Orre to visit her grandparents. Rui, as she was called, was a pretty girl, not beautiful by most people's standards, but she turned a few heads occasionally. She had big blue eyes and flaming red hair which she kept in two short pigtails. This morning, she was the first one out of bed, and she was skimming the daily newspaper, The Goldenrod Times. She didn't normally look at the classifieds, but it was a good thing she did today, because she saw a "help wanted" ad that caught her attention. It said:  
  
Cook/chef wanted. Must be able to cook halfway decent lunch food, at least. Free room and board in fancy mansion. Pays well. If interested, call 1-800-THE-HAND.  
  
She looked over it, thinking. She had been a little bored, staying with her parents, and she could use the extra money. Rui ran upstairs to go talk to her parents about it. And rushed back down because she failed to notice the "Do Not Disturb" sign on their door.  
  
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O  
  
"OK, Jeigan. Are all my instructions clear?"  
  
"For the tenth time, sir, YES!"  
  
A young man stood in a room with a substantially older man who seemed to be on the verge of extremely high blood pressure. The young man seemed to be some sort of royalty; he was dressed in fancy-looking, dark blue clothes, with a blue silk cape emblazoned with his kingdom's seal. Even his hair was blue. The only thing that wasn't was his skin, and a tiara on his head. He claimed the tiara was somehow cursed and stuck like Super (super super super super ) Glue, but nobody believed him. The old man was dressed in not as fancy robes, and he appeared to be the tiara-wearing guy's second-in-command.  
  
"Well, here they are again, in case you forgot: water the garden, feed the cat, dust from time to time...what am I forgetting...oh yeah, keep the economy in balance and protect the kingdom from terrorists and invading armies, too, alright?"  
  
"Sigh...yes, prince Marth."  
  
"Good. I'll see you in a year." Suddenly, a gaping black hole appeared right in front of them. After recovering from the shock, the blue-haired man said, "Well, that must be my 'means of transportation'. Bye bye!" And he stepped into the hole with his luggage in hand.  
  
The old man watched him depart, and then left the room muttering something that sounded like: "Ooh, if I hadn't promised his dying father I'd take care of him..."  
  
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O  
  
The portal instantly whisked the liberally-colored Marth to a place that looked like a bus stop. At first, there was no one else there. Then, portals identical to the one he had taken appeared all over the place, with organisms of all shapes and sizes stepping out of them. There were several, but among the most notable were a short, pink, round thing, an elf dressed in a green thing that looked like a skirt, a littler elf dressed in a green thing that looked like a skirt, and a yellow mouse that occasionally gave off little electric sparks. "Hi." Marth whipped around, wondering who had greeted him. The greeter was a boy a little younger than him, with fiery, messy red hair.  
  
"Hi," Marth responded. "I'm prince Marth of the kingdom of Altea," said Marth, introducing himself.  
  
"Hey, you're that guy whose kingdom burned down or something, aren't you?" said the redhead.  
  
"How kind of you to notice," Marth said sarcastically.  
  
"Yeah, I know. By the way, my name's Roy of Pharae."  
  
"Aren't they some kind of military dictatorship?"  
  
"No, it's a principality, smart one."  
  
"Do you know what that means?" Marth asked.  
  
"Umm...it means...uhhh...that..."  
  
"Ha ha! Put 'er there!" said Marth, extending his hand. Roy shook it and said, "I don't use toilet paper!" Marth tried not to laugh at Roy's immature joke. Despite Roy being a bit trying, Marth felt that this would be a good, albeit strange, friendship.  
  
Just then, a bus pulled in, confirming Marth's original suspicion about this being a bus station. However, this bus was not a school bus, which is what everyone there subconsciously expected. This bus was painted a dark shade of red, with a black emblem on it that had two perpendicular lines intersecting just left of the center. The doors opened, making the familiar hissing sound, revealing something that no one expected. The inside seemed normal enough, but the driver was a giant white glove. "Good day everyone," it said, bringing everybody a little closer to going into shock. "It's good to see some familiar faces, and some not-so-familiar faces here."  
  
"Hi there, Master Hand," said a short man in red. Marth assumed this was the famous, world-renowned, Mario.  
  
"Benvenuto, Mario. Anyway, for those of you who don't already know me, I am Master Hand, and welcome to the 2nd not-really-annual-but-it-sounds-better Super Smash Brothers Tournament! Da da da dum! In this next year, you will all be both friends and enemies as you compete for the title of Greatest Warrior in the Galaxy! Da da da dum! So, hop on board the Hand Express, and we'll go to the Smash Mansion!"  
  
There were several murmurs among the crowd about mansions, hands, and craziness. There was also an air of reluctance among everybody to be the first to get on the bus.  
  
"Oh, for heaven's sake," said a female voice. "It's perfectly fine. Here, I'll go." The voice had come from what looked like a red robot at first glance, but Marth overheard someone whispering that there was really a girl (and a hot one at that) under all that armor. She stepped aboard the "Hand Express" and walked along the narrow aisle to a seat near the back.  
  
"I guess it's okay, then," said a blue, spiky, hedgehog-like creature, and walked onto the bus. Everyone else followed suit.  
  
Marth found a seat near the middle of the bus, and Roy sat next to him. After much deliberation on who got to sit by the window (Marth ended up sitting in the aisle), Marth saw the bigger elf in green sit in the seat across from him, along with a girl who looked like an elf also, but was wearing a pink dress. Marth quickly realized he was staring and quickly turned away. After the bus had driven a couple miles, he decided to make polite conversation. "Hello, there. I see you have taken up the ways of the sword as well," said Marth, as he himself was quite a skilled swordsman, and the elf had a sword in a scabbard, too.  
  
"Yeah, but only on Wednesdays," said the elf.  
  
"Um...yeah. I'm Marth."  
  
"Good to meet you. I'm Link, and this is Zelda, who I get to rescue on a regular basis from that loser over there, Ganondorf," he gestured to a dark man sitting in front of him.  
  
"Oh, come on, Link," Zelda said, "that hardly ever happens anymore. I've kicked Ganon's sorry ass a fair number of times myself."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, sure," Link said sarcastically but lovingly, and gave Zelda a kiss on the cheek.  
  
"I take it you two are...together," Marth said.  
  
"Gee, what tipped you off?"  
  
"Lucky guess?"  
  
"Smashers, could I have your attention please," Master Hand said over the bus's intercom. "I forgot to tell you that, in addition to all of you, there will also be two ladies who will cook and clean up minor messes, but this does not mean that you don't need to clean up after yourselves. We had a bit of an incident last time, which is why I hired them." A few heads turned to the guilty-looking yellow rodent. "That will be all. You may resume talking."  
  
Marth turned to Link. "What happened last time?" asked Marth, since Link seemed like he had been there for the previous tournament.  
  
"Heh. Well, let's just say that Pikachu had one too many bowls of 'Fiber-O's'," Link laughed. "Needless to say, there was quite a stink in more ways than one."  
  
Marth laughed quietly to himself. He tried to listen to some of the others' conversations to see what sort of people they were. Some of the snatches he heard were:  
  
"So, how long have you two known each other?"  
  
"...That's not very sanitary, y'know..."  
  
"Hey, Fox, watch what I can do with my finger!"  
  
"My, that's an awfully large sword you got there."  
  
"...Like cheddar, and bleu, and Monterey Jack, and provolone, and Venezuelan beaver..."  
  
Marth stopped listening to the dialogue in fear that he would go insane if he heard any more. Instead, he closed his eyes, trying to ignore Roy singing quite badly to "Love Me Do", and anticipating what kind of things he would encounter tomorrow.  
  
O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O  
  
Okay, so you didn't get to meet all or even most of the Smashers. But you will soon, trust me! Review while you wait, per favore! 


	4. Subchapter: Meet the Smashers

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, but I am next in line to take the throne...after all the other 5,999,999,999 people in the world.

Subchapter A: Meet the Smashers

This chapter isn't really important to the story's plot, such as it is, but it does give you a little information about each of the Smashers in this fic that aren't in SSBM.

**Sonic the Hedgehog**

I'm sure you saw this one coming. Sonic is on many people's "Fantasy SSB" lists. He's a blue hedgehog-like-thing who can run really really fast. He fights against the evil Dr. "Eggman" Robotnik with his friends Tails, Knuckles, and other animals.

First appearance: Sonic the Hedgehog

Most recent appearance: Sonic Heroes (I'm not too sure about this, correct me if I'm wrong)

**Cloud Strife**

Another no-brainer, Cloud is the hero of the all-time favorite Final Fantasy VII and he has a really big sword (expect jokes about this later). He has to journey around the planet of Midgar to defeat the abominable Sephiroth. Yes, I know FF7 was for PlayStation, but Final Fantasy was originally a Nintendo franchise, so I feel it's okay to add him.

First appearance: Final Fantasy VII

Most recent appearance: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (just kidding)

**Captain Olimar**

Bet ya didn't see this one coming, huh (no, really)? This character has only appeared in one not-so-great game to date, with another one coming in the fall. Basically, he's a spaceman (with a huge nose) who crash-lands on a planet with strange creatures known as Pikmin. I added him because the idea of getting bowled over by thousands of tiny colored things seems really funny to me.

First appearance: Pikmin

Most recent appearance: Pikmin

**Tom Nook**

Tom Nook is a raccoon salesman (a salesman who's a raccoon, not a salesman of raccoons) who is the shopkeeper and financial wizard of the Animal Forest/Crossing series. You may not think he can fight, but I have some interesting things planned for him...

F.A.: Animal Forest

M.R.A.: Animal Crossing

**Seung Mina**

Seung Mina is a character from the Soul Calibur/Blade series. She's the daughter of Seung Han Myong and heir to the Korean throne (geez, what's with all this royalty?). She wields a zanbatou (kind of an Asian version of a halberd) and is skilled in the martial arts.

F.A.: Soul Blade

M.R.A.: Soul Calibur II

**Banjo-Kazooie**

This bear-and-bird team is (are) the hero(es) of the Banjo-Kazooie series (duh). Kazooie resides in Banjo's backpack a lot of the time, and together, they kick the evil witch Gruntilda's butt on a regular basis. They can do lots of cool tandem moves, and not-as-cool moves when they're apart.

F.A.: Banjo-Kazooie

M.R.A.: Banjo Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge (I've just about given up hope for a Banjo-Threeie, sadly)

**Sheida**

Sheida is a heroine from Fire Emblem and the princess of the kingdom of Talis. She aided Marth on his revolt against the dark dragon and...uh...there's really not much else to say about her.

F.A.: Fire Emblem: Monshou No Nazo (a.k.a. Fire Emblem 1)

M.R.A.: Fire Emblem: Monshou No Nazo

**Wes**

Wes is a Pokémon trainer from the region known as Orre. He has only appeared in the game Pokémon Colosseum so far. He also has the ability to "snag" Pokémon, or capture them from their trainers, but he uses this for good.

F.A.: Pokémon Colosseum

M.R.A.: Pokémon Colosseum

**Rui**

Rui is also from Pokémon Colosseum, but she won't actually be fighting in the tournament. Instead, she'll be a cook for the Smashers. Don't ask me why I decided to put her in, because you'll find out soon enough (well, maybe not soon...).

F.A.: Do I really need to put this in?

**Daisy**

Daisy is the princess of the kingdom of Sarasaland, which nobody can spell right. She's Luigi's girlfriend, and she'll be the maid person in this fic because frankly, she'd just be a clone of Peach if she fought.

F.A.: Super Mario Land

M.R.A.: Mario Party 5 (I think, correct me if I'm wrong)

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Well, I hope that helped you with finding out who the new Smashers were. Let me just say that this fic will not be like a SSB3, it will just be like SSBM rewritten. Also, Dr. Mario and Mario will be the same person in this story. If you need additional info on any of these characters do a Google search. For pictures, the Google Image Search is good, too.


	5. Chapter Trois

Disclaimer: I don't own Nintendo, but I do own Miracool Whip, the amazing combination of two beloved food products!

Chapter 3 of Smashing, eh?: Bienvenidos a mucho estupididad

While on the bus ride to wherever they were going, the Smashers all met and introduced themselves, mostly so the lazy author wouldn't have to write any more awkward introductions like the sucky ones in the last chapter. The Smashers had stayed in a little town last night and ate, drank, and were merry (some of them did too much of some of those things). This morning, they were all having a good time conversing with each other, when Master Hand's voice (this still puzzled a lot of the Smash Bros.) came over the intercom system.

"_Attention shoppers, er, Smashers. We are now entering the thriving metropolis of Smash City!_" Everyone looked out the window, and saw towering skyscrapers framed picturesquely by tall, red-orange mountains. Luigi looked out his window, and saw the population sign that said:

"Smash City

Population: One awesome hand and a million other losers"

Everybody oohed and aahed, for even the cities of the royalty among them weren't this impressive.

"_Through those mountains ahead lies the mansion in which you all will be staying and battling. That will be your home for the next year, so get used to it,_" Master Hand's voice said. _"You may all resume your conversation. Oh, and Kirby, STOP NAMING CHEESES!_" Kirby, the pink, round creature stopped talking and looked up.

"Feh, screw you, Master Hand," said Kirby. "So, as I was saying," he continued, much to the exasperation of Yoshi, who was sitting next to him, and looked as though he was about to scream, "there are lots of different types of cheeses, like mozzarella, and Colby Jack, and feta, and brie, and camembert, and roquefort, and Czechoslovakian goat's milk, and..." Yoshi put his face in his hands.

Meanwhile, Roy was unsuccessfully hitting on Seung Mina, who in all fairness was asking for it, as she wasn't wearing much, but still.

"So, come here often?" Roy asked stupidly. Mina gave him a weird look, which she had been getting a lot of practice at lately. "Say, maybe tonight we could go out for dinner, and coffee, and maybe come back to my room for a little bit of...OUCH!" Roy's scream was heard throughout the bus, and he walked back to his seat with a noticeable handprint on his face. "I was gonna say card games, y'know!" he yelled back.

"No, you weren't, Roy," said Marth.

"I know, but I like to add a little guilt in there."

Marth didn't think that Seung Mina felt guilty in the least.

"Oh well, maybe I'll go hit on Sheida. Do you think she'll go out with me?" the desperate Roy asked.

"Uh, oh, yeah!" lied Marth. Marth knew that if Roy hit on her, that she would do things at least three times as painful as what Mina did to him, but Marth was bored.

While Marth was anticipating a crunch and a scream, Pikachu, Jigglypuff, and Pichu were discussing various things in Pokémon language, which was basically variations of their names over and over and over again. Mewtwo, another Pokémon that could speak both English and Pokémonese was listening to the other three's conversation.

"What are they talking about?" asked Ganondorf, Link's arch-enemy and Mewtwo's newfound friend, even though he refused to admit it.

"Well, right now, Pikachu's talking about him and his girlfriend...ewwww," Mewtwo said, thoroughly repulsed.

"Can't they talk English?" Ganondorf asked.

"Yes, all Pokémon can speak whatever language is spoken in their country. They just usually choose not to in order to frustrate and annoy humans."

_"Coo coo ca chu, Mrs. Robinson, Jesus loves you more than you will know..._" Master Hand's voice was again heard over the speaker system.

"What the Hell?" was the general phrase among the passengers.

"_Er, oh, sorry about that,_" said Master Hand. "_Um...I was just going to tell you that...we're here!_" All the Smashers looked out the window and beheld a magnificent mansion, with several other, smaller, buildings near it, all closed off by a pair of gates that, strangely, did not enclose the grounds even a quarter of the way. "Hello, there, security guy," said Master Hand to the guy at the gate. "I have a busload of people around whom I shall go insane if I am forced to associate with them any longer."

"Yep, you bet'cha, you can go in," said the guard in a thick Wisconsin accent.

Master Hand drove through the gates and to a small building that appeared to be a parking garage. When the bus entered the garage, the Smashers all gasped, for, in several of the spaces, were their vehicles.

"Whoa, dude, that's my go-kart!"

"And my Warp-Star!"

"Look, it's my Arwing!"

"_Yes, I took the liberty of transporting all your vehicles here, so you could have some easy transportation to the city._ _Now, everybody, get out, and welcome to your home away from home!_" Everybody exited the bus, sore from sitting that long, Roy for different reasons, and walked out of the garage into the sun, and gazed in awe at the imposing mansion in front of them.

The mansion itself was absolutely gargantuan; it even put Luigi's impressive mansion to shame. It was painted a bright shade of white and it was very long, and extended far back as well, so that it was almost a perfect cube. The highest point was where the roof met at a high triangle. The sides were lined with several windows, with an enormous window at the top, on the "face" of the triangular prism the roof made. There were also two cylindrical buildings as an extension of the main mansion patterned with gray stone.

Around the mansion, in a semicircle from left to right was another cylindrical building painted gold, a cylinder with a hemisphere on top with a giant lens poking out, a square building with a red roof; that was the garage, and a large stadium set farther back than the rest. There were also the ornate bronze gates, but Master Hand said that the whole grounds were also encircled by a force field that kept anyone without proper ID out. Were everything there a circle, there was a fountain and flagpole where the center would be. The flag had the same emblem that the bus did. A spectacular view to all the cardinal directions made the place even more beautiful. The mountains to the south were high enough so that the city didn't obstruct the view, but the city was only a short drive away.

"It's...beautiful," said Peach, the ladylike Mushroom princess. Everyone else concurred.

"Come inside, and I'll give you your rooms," said Master Hand. The inside of the house was as elegant if not more than the outside. The floor was patterned with alternating black and white porcelain tile. A grand staircase was the first thing one saw when they entered. It was far to the back of the room (it was a big room) and it led to another floor, which probably led to other floors, but no other staircases were evident. The room had doors all around on both floors, and there was an elevator on the right side of the room (boy, I sure said the word "room" a lot, huh?). "Oh, wait, I almost forgot," said Master Hand, "I need to assign roommates."

"Assign?"

"Roommates?"

Many murmurs were heard, a lot of them including the words "boarding school", which was essentially what it was.

"Yes, I'm going to assign roommates. Not only are there not enough rooms for everybody to have their own, but having a roommate is also a great social experience." The Hand got a lot of blank stares. "Sigh...you people are hopeless. You're getting roommates and that's that. So, here are your assignments. In the guys' dorms, we have:

Room 1: Mario and Luigi

Room 2: Bowser, Ganondorf, and Mewtwo

Room 3: Yoshi and Donkey Kong

Room 4: Wes and Cloud

Room 5: Fox and Falco

Room 6: Popo and Young Link

Room 7: Sonic and Captain Falcon

Room 8: Tom Nook and Olimar

Room 9: Banjo and Mr. Game and Watch

Room 10: Pikachu and Pichu

Room 11: Kirby and Ness

Room 13: Marth, Link, and Roy

"Hey, how come you skipped twelve?" asked Link.

"There is no twelve," responded Master Hand.

"Just my luck..." muttered Marth.

"Now, let's have the girls' rooms:

Room 1: Peach and Zelda

Room 2: Samus and Kazooie

Room 3: Sheida and Seung Mina

Room 4: Nana and Jigglypuff

"And, that's all the rooming arrangements. Boys' rooms are on the first door to the left, girls' to the right. You can go get set up." Just then, two ladies came walking down the stairs, talking. "Oh, yes, I forgot to introduce you to the housekeeper and cook, Daisy and Rui." They smiled at everybody in that naïve way that people do when they don't know just how irritating a job will be.

"Rui..." Wes, the Pokémon trainer/snagger whispered, mouth agape.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Well, I hope everyone liked that chapter. The next one will be up soon because I have too much spare time. The next chapters will hopefully be funnier and will get deeper into the minds of the characters, but not too deep, because there's not much there!


	6. Chapter of Insanity

Disclaimer: No soy el dueño de Nintendo o Super Smash Bros.

Chapter Four: Mayonnaise and Other Legumes

Wes stared, gaping like an idiot. Rui was his friend from when he toppled Cipher and saved the entire Pokémon world from a hostile takeover. After defeating them, however, Wes and Rui had parted ways. Wes missed her terribly, but now that she was back, he promised himself that he wouldn't let her go this time. "Wes..." Rui had now noticed him standing there. She rushed down the stairs, looked at him for a minute, and flung her arms around him. Wes did the same. "I missed you so much..." she whispered. Everyone else went, "Awww," except for Mewtwo and Ganondorf, who looked like they were about to throw up. Suddenly, Master Hand spoke, interrupting this reunion which put Vermont's sap supply to shame.

"Um...everybody should probably go to their rooms now and unpack. We'll have plenty of time for that later," Rubber Hand Man said, looking at the reunited friends. The Super Smashers obeyed, walking their respective ways to their quarters. The first to enter their room were Mario and Luigi, because, well, their room was on the first floor of the cylindrical annex. There was one room on each floor of the building, so there were twelve floors in total. The girls' building had twelve floors too, even though there were only five rooms. Master Hand said the extra seven were for "storage", but the men had their suspicions. Anyway, the Mario Bros.' room wasn't extremely ornate or anything, about what one would find in a semi-fancy hotel. There were two double beds with a nightstand, clock, and lamp between them, a TV/armoire, a few closets, and a door leading to a bathroom. The only thing elegant was a crystal chandelier that hung from the ceiling.

Well, that was boring. Let's see how some of the others are doing...

Marth, Link, and Roy entered Room 13 on the top floor of the dormitories. The window overlooked a lake in back of the mansion that had been formerly overlooked (ha ha ). Their furnishings were just the same as everyone else's, except the room was a little bigger, with three beds. "One bathroom for the three of us? I'll go crazy!" Link exclaimed.

"You're telling me," said Marth. "Do you know how long it probably takes for Roy to gel his hair?"

"Well, I'd hypothesize several hours..." said Link.

"Hey, you don't know that!" yelled Roy indignantly. "On average, I only take about two, tops."

"Yeah, well, you're using the bathroom last."

"Hey, y'know," said Marth, trying to change the subject, "for being in Room 13, it doesn't seem any unluckier than any other room we could have been assigned."

"Yeah," agreed Link. "It's...hey, do those screws on the chandelier seem loose to you...OW!"

"I'm going to go mad," prophesized Marth, putting his head in his hands.

In Room 4...

"So, is your name French?" Wes asked Cloud, trying to make polite conversation.

"French? What are you talking about?" asked Cloud.

"You know, C-l-a-u-d-e!"

"Dude, if my name were French, it would be 'Nuage'. My name's spelled like the white puffy things in the sky."

"Oh," said Wes, embarrassed. "So, do you like things?"

Cloud turned around and took several deep breaths.

All of a sudden, a voice came on the intercom that was also installed in the rooms.

"_Everybody, everybody, everybody, everybody,_" Master Hand sang.

"What the..." Wes said, confused.

"_Um, sorry. I just wanted to tell everybody, __everybody, everybody that dinner is now served. Tonight, it's an all-you-can-eat buffet, because that's way easier than trying to prepare 37 portions of things. Oh, and the dining room is on the fifth door to your right as you come in the mansion._"

"YAHOO," everyone thought they heard, coming from the vicinity of Room 1 in the guys' dorms.

When the Smashers arrived for dinner, the buffet table was piled high with enjoyable foodstuffs. When dinner was over, there was one scrap of roast beef which Bowser and Mario were fighting over. Then, from seemingly out of nowhere, a Siamese cat came walking into the room, and stole the roast beef.

"Um...what just happened?" inquired Bowser, staring forlornly at the place where the slice of meat used to be.

"Ah, that would be the cat, Whiskers," said Master Hand, again, from seemingly out of nowhere.

"Whiskers?" criticized Falco. "You can create entire worlds and amazing creatures, but the most imaginative name for a cat you can come up with is WHISKERS!?"

"Well, yeah."

After some post-meal conversation and some coffee, which some suspected was all decaf, the Super Smashers retired to their beds after their first part of a day of the not-yet-begun Super Smash Bros. Tournament.

"Well, here's to a good year, or should I say, a smashing year!" said Marth to his roommates, chuckling at his not-so-clever pun. And with that, the light was turned out, and complete silence fell upon the three swordsmen. At least until Roy said:

"Hey, why don't we tell scary stories?"

"No, Roy," said his blue-haired friend.

"Why, are you chicken? Are you scared? Should I get your mattress a protective lining?"

"Oh, we'll see who's chicken. Tell your stupid story."

"Okay, here goes. Once, there was a boy by the name of...Johann Sebastian Bach. And he...ate lots of poo."

"What? That's not scary, that's disgusting!" Link, however, did not support Marth in his argument, for he was too busy giggling.

"One day, Johann was taking a walk through the woods, snacking on poo-"

"Roy..."

"-when he came to a clearing. Standing on a stump in the middle was the sinister possum king. The king sent his cronies to lunge at poor Johann, but he had a trick up his sleeve, or should I say his pant leg. He quickly whipped out his skin flute, which squirted a mysterious liquid when-"

"ROY! If you don't stop being sick, I'll..."

"I'll what? Hit me with your 'skin flute'?"

"No, what I was thinking of had the word 'homicide' in it. Now stop it!"

"Oh, fine."

All was peaceful for awhile, until...

"Hey, guess what? I eat poo!"

"Arghhh..."

"Okay, I have a joke. So there were these guys who didn't have enough money for drinks, right?"

"Roy, please..."

"Okay, I'll just tell you the punchline. So the second guy says, 'Yeah, and I lost the sausage after the first two!'."

While this was going on, Link was laughing so hard that Marth thought he was the one who needed a protective bed liner.

"Eating poo is fun!

Eating poo is good!

Not everybody does it,

But everybody should!"

_Great, _thought the hapless Marth. _Stuck in a room with two hyper roommates, and one is talking about eating poo, of all things. Could it get any worse? _Marth's question was answered as Roy began singing:

Come, Mr. Tally-Man, tally me banana,

Daylight come, and me wanna go home.

Marth put his pillow over his head as he hoped to God that this was a one-time thing.

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

Sorry if that chapter sucked, but the last part was based on a personal experience of mine. Please don't inquire any further. Anyway, reviews are appreciated, and I will put up another chapter fairly soon.


	7. Of Tiaras and Smashing Things

Disclaimer: I am not the owner of Nintendo odnetniN fo renwo eht ton ma I :remialcsiD

Chapter 5: Commence the Battles!

The morning breakfast table was a pleasant scene, with everyone talking to one another, reading the newspaper, watching TV, or eating so fast that they were oblivious to everyone and everything around them. For example, Kirby was inhaling things so rapidly that he swallowed five entire raw potatoes from the fridge, plus Luigi's hat. While the man in green was giving Kirby the Heimlich maneuver, Falco and Ganondorf were making fun of Marth because of his tiara.

"Hey, tiara boy!" Falco jeered. "Maybe you'll become the queen of Altea in a few years!"

"Yeah, and then you can wear a tiara...and stuff!"

"Ganon, why don't you leave the insults to me?"

"I keep telling you losers, the damn thing is cursed! I can't get it off!"

"Sure..."

"You're both immature and stupid," a voice said. They turned around to see Zelda glowering at Falco and Ganondorf. "I would expect this kind of behavior from second-graders, not grown men. You should be ashamed of yourselves." Falco and Ganon looked like schoolboys getting a lecture from their teacher. "Just because someone is oriented differently sexually, doesn't mean that you can make fun of them."

"Um, Zelda," whispered Marth. "Not helping."

"Well, I'm sorry Marth, but I've never heard of a cursed tiara."

"Oh, yeah? You can probably feel curses, can't you?"

"Yeah, but..."

"Then feel the tiara. Just be glad it's not cursed underwear."

"Okay, here goes nothing...whoa! That is one strong curse!"

"How do we know you're not just sticking up for him?" asked Falco suspiciously.

"Why would I stick up for somebody I've only known for a few days?"

"She stuck up for me after I'd only known her a few hours," Link interjected.

"That's because the guy that was destined to save Hyrule was the Hero of Time, not the Thief of Erotic Lingerie! Now, Marth, let me see what I can do..."

She placed her hands on Marth's tiara and closed her eyes as if in some sort of trance. The lights in that vicinity all went out. Tom Nook the raccoon kept flipping the light switch, wondering why they weren't working. Suddenly, the headpiece started to give off a light blue aura and vibrate wildly (another good reason for it not to be cursed underwear). Zelda looked as though she was in pain, and about to pass out, but before the magic gave out completely, a light blue thing shaped somewhat like a man flew out of the center jewel on the tiara, and the girly headband snapped in two. Zelda stood for a minute, and then collapsed on the sofa behind her.

Marth held the two pieces of the tiara in his hands. "It's...not cursed anymore," he said breathlessly. "Zelda...I don't know how to repay you."

"I do!" yelled Roy from across the room.

"Shut up! Zelda, if there's anything I can do, name it. Can I get you a cup of coffee, aspirin, half of my profits from selling the tiara on eBay...?"

"No, I'm fine. But tell me, how did that thing get cursed in the first place?" she asked.

"Well, it was a long, long, time ago..."

"Oh, great, here comes a flashback," someone said.

"My ancestor, Prince Larry, was raiding the tomb of an ancient king. One of the things in the tomb was the tiara. But, unbeknownst to Larry, the king had placed a curse on the treasure, and the first thing Larry touched would become stuck to him and his descendants until the curse was removed by someone with more powerful magic than the king. Larry's descendants searched for somebody who could undo the curse, but to no avail. But now, since Zelda has un-cursed it, the royal bloodline of Altea can be at peace."

There were several murmurs, as everyone had been watching this scene. "Hmmm, Hyrule had a legend kinda like that," Zelda said, "only some guy stole a jar of mustard from the manager of a fast food restaurant. The royal bloodline of Hyrule had to taste mustard every waking moment of their lives until the curse was removed."

"Cool. Well, I'm going to go sell this thing on eBay for half a million bucks a piece."

"Can I see how much a jar of mustard would go for?" she yelled after him.

After they were gone, Captain Falcon asked Link: "So, what's this about the Thief of Erotic Lingerie?"

"Uhh...Young me would know, ask him." When everyone's head was turned Link dashed off to parts unknown.

"Hey, I don't know about any of this," Young Link said. "I'm one of Link's descendants about 300 years in the future."

"Really? What's it like in the future?" DK asked.

"Well, Hyrule is a sunken kingdom that exists only in legend, and Ganon is back for world domination."

"Cool!" shouted Ganon.

"But I get to kill him."

"That's not so cool. But if you're from the future, why aren't you cel-shaded?"

"Because Ganon's curse wore off."

"Awesome! I get to make stuff cel-shaded!" cried Ganondorf jubilantly.

"_Smashers, would you all report to the auditorium, please. If you need directions, use the map that I installed in the front lobby three seconds ago._"

With the aid of the map, the Smash Bros. and Sisters (Sheida started a Women's Lib. Group, I have to say that now) made their way through the long and winding halls in the mansion to an auditorium with stadium seating like in movie theaters. "Master Hand, if there's only 34 of us-" Pichu's question was cut short by a voice.

"36!" yelled Daisy from who-knows-where.

"-36 of us, 34 of whom are actually fighting, why do we need a huge auditorium with a thousand seats in it?"

"Thou must not question the Hand's motives," said the Handyman. "Every room in this mansion has a purpose, whether it be eating or sitting or doing a hip-hop dance. Now, the battles will start in two days, so I thought I'd better show you the drill. Mario? Donkey Kong? If you would come up to the stage, please."

The mustachioed plumber in red and the ape who essentially was mustachioed on every inch of his body walked up to the stage. However, the stage was not a wooden platform anymore, instead, it was a large purple-shaded platform, hovering seemingly in space. Everyone assumed that this was a virtual reality created by Master Hand. Except for Kirby, who was thinking of all types of pie alphabetically. _Apple, apricot, banana cream, blueberry, boysenberry, broccoli_...

"Now watch closely, everybody," Master Hand's voice rang out through the auditorium. "The object of these matches is to knock the other person off the stage by any means possible. There are a few rules, however:

Rule 1: No powerful attacks that are unavoidable or extremely hard to avoid.

Rule 2: No attacks that disgustingly mutilate the opponent.

"Darn!" Bowser yelled.

Rule 3: No invincibility that lasts longer than 14 seconds at a time.

Rule 4: No eating any part of the opponent and not giving it back somehow.

Rule 5: Taking off clothing on the field is prohibited.

"Darn!" said someone whose identity shall remain anonymous.

"Also, combatants are unable to be killed or have any lasting disability or else I would get the pants sued off me. And I'm not even wearing pants!"

"So, with that in mind, let's watch the demo match between Mario and DK!"

Mario started off by rushing at DK. The ape expertly dodged and sent a weak punch that hit the plumber in the jaw. Mario retaliated by giving Donkey a shoe to the stomach, and, before the Kong could counterattack, the man in red did a punch-kick combo to DK. Obviously fed up, DK smooshed Mario between his massive hands and then unloaded a Giant Punch right in Mario's face. Mario was sent flying over the edge, but he recovered by means of his superb jumping ability. Donkey tried to Meteor Smash Mario before he could climb on the platform, but he missed, leaving himself open for an attack. Mario used that golden opportunity to unload a Smash Attack on the hapless monkey, sending him flying. When DK used his Spinning Kong to recover, Mario took after the primate and connected his fist with DK's head, sending Donkey Kong spiraling downward into the abyss.

"And the winner is, Mario!" Master Hand shouted, his voice magnified threefold from what it was.

"What's going to happen to DK?" asked a concerned Luigi.

"It's OK, he'll be here in a minute...oh, here he is now!"

A gaping hole had opened up in the ceiling, and it spit DK out. The gorilla was a bit shaken and disoriented, but otherwise all right.

"And that's how it's done," ended Master Hand. There was a general murmur of interest among the congregation, full of anticipation and apprehension at what this tournament would bring.

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

The battles will start next chapter. I know these last couple chapters haven't been very funny, but there will be some unfunny parts to this story. On a side note, I know that the Young Link in SSBM is adult Link in the past, but I thought it would be more interesting if he was from the time of The Wind Waker. Review, please!


	8. Chapter Q

Disclaimer: He who enters shall leave with half a brain.

Chapter 6: Fight! Fight! Fight!

The next morning, the Super Smash People were peacefully eating their breakfast of toast, juice, and bacon that Peach made because Rui wasn't up yet. There was much speculation as to why, but the general consensus was that she was doing something with Wes. What that something was, exactly, was open for discussion.

As if on cue, Wes and Rui walked through the doorway that led to the kitchen/secondary dining room, hand in hand, and acting all lovey-dovey. "Well, looks like some people had fun last night," said Roy, winking.

"Oh, no, we didn't do _that_," said Rui. "We just talked, and kissed, and cuddled..." she broke off, looking at Wes with starry eyes and kissing him for a good twenty seconds. Roy, meanwhile, looked like he was about to hurl.

"Well, you could have gotten up earlier," said Mario, annoyed. "Instead, we had to endure Peach's awful cooking."

"Mario!" Peach cried, offended.

"I'm sorry, but when you made me that cake at the end of Super Mario 64, I shoved it down my pants instead of trying to eat it."

"_That_'s what it was? I just thought you wanted more than cake..."

"Er, ahem," said Olimar, trying to rid his head of extremely unpleasant images. "I think we've heard enough."

"Hey, what's that?" asked Wes with a confused look on his face.

"That would be my nose, you little-"

"No, not that. The thing on your head."

Wes was right to be confused, for on the spaceman's head was a small, thin, red creature with a flower on top of its head.

"Oh, that's just a Pikmin. I'm planning to use them in the tournament to fight. They can do amazing things when they team up."

"But there's only one," observed Rui.

"Right now there is, but this is Pikmin mating season, and in cases where there are no mates, they can reproduce asexually. I expect there will be hundreds by the time it's my turn to fight."

"Oh, that's great," said Rui. "Hundreds of little things running about the mansion...what a simply wonderful thought."

"Not to worry, Master Hand said he would let me use a pocket of storage space for them, complete with heat, air conditioning, and cable TV."

"_Buenos días_, _luchadores_," Master Hand said, as he walked...er...glided through the doorway. "Who knows what today is?"

"National Learn a Slavic Language Day?"

"Bhutanese New Year?"

"Punch a Politician in the Face Day?"

"No, it's the day that the Super Smash Tournament begins!" Master Hand said jubilantly. "Today we will have our first battle!"

"When's the next one?" someone asked.

"Next week."

"What are we supposed to do until then?"

"Um...I dunno. Train, earn trophies..."

"Speaking of trophies," Seung Mina said, "why aren't there any of me, Sonic, Wes, Banjo, Kazooie, Cloud, Sheida, or Rui?"

"Well, Nintendo got into an argument with Namco, Rare, Sega, and Square-Enix or whatever, so they wouldn't let us put their characters in the video game, and Wes and Rui won't exist as video game characters when Super Smash Bros. Melee comes out."

"What about me?" asked Sheida.

"Well, we needed to have a round number, so we decided that you were the least popular."

"Less popular than Ness?" she said indignantly.

"Anyway," Master Hand continued, "today's battle will be between Captain Falcon and Samus. I know I haven't given you much time to train, but you two can do it." Samus was eager to fight because Falcon had been pathetically hitting on her. "The fight will start in one hour, so hop to it!" The disembodied human limb directed his "gaze" on the racer, who was still in his falcon pajamas.

An hour later, the stadium on the "Smashing Grounds", as many called them, was filled to the brim with spectators and fans of all shapes and sizes. The announcer's box held two men who appeared to be Asian, but had perfect American accents. The other oddity was that their lips moved out of sync with their words. Link got a look at the commentators, and said to Master Hand: "You hired Kenny Blankenship and Vic Romano to be the announcers!?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"

"Do you know what they'll probably say?"

"So they're conservatives. Everyone needs to learn a little tolerance anyway."

"No, not that. They'll probably make jokes that Samus wears nothing under her suit or something."

"Does she?" inquired the living glove, suddenly interested.

"No! I mean, yes! I mean...oh, who cares. But they'll offend everyone in the audience with their dirty jokes."

"Oh, lighten up. I remember a president who made a joke about sperm at his inaugural address, and nobody got offended."

"What president was _that_?"

"Um...I think it was Seinfeld or somebody."

"Jerry Seinfeld never...oh, never mind. Well, okay. Have it your way. But if everybody leaves, don't say I didn't warn you."

"_Ladies and gentlemen_," a voice rang seemingly out from nowhere. "_Welcome to the not-really-annual-but-it-sounds-better Super Smash Brothers Tournament_!"

"And sisters!" Sheida shouted, enforcing equal rights.

"_Today's match is between Captain Douglas Jay Falcon and Samus Aran on the Corneria stage_!"

An exact replica of the StarFox team's ship, the Great Fox, materialized in the center of the stadium, much to the surprise of the onlookers. Then, Samus and Falcon materialized as well, one on the cockpit, and one on the "dorsal fin".

"_Let's get ready to smash! Man, that doesn't sound very good, but it's better than risking a lawsuit..._"

Captain Falcon started the match off by rushing toward his opponent, who was on higher ground than he was, and preparing to deliver a punch. Samus expected this predictable move, and countered with a missile from her arm cannon that hit Falcon in the face. Normally, one's face would be burnt and disfigured, if one's skull was still intact, but Master Hand had made it so the "real life" laws of combat were partially null and void.

Falcon, wafting the smoke out of his eyes, ran toward the bounty hunter again, but this time, in a surprise maneuver, he quickly did an impressive backflip away from Samus. Samus, not expecting this, threw a punch that hit a few billion air molecules, giving the F-Zero champ time to deliver a Raptor Boost which sent the spacewoman soaring into the air.

While waiting for her to land, Falcon spied a Beam Sword, which was actually a lightsaber, but was not called that in order to avoid getting sued by Lucasfilm. He rushed over to pick it up, and rushed back to his foe to continue the melee. Samus, being a Super Smash "veteran", knew the potential damage of this weapon, and ran to the ship's tail.

The Captain, who was a fellow "veteran", ran after her foolishly, for in his training he had learned to never follow someone to where you can't see them. Sure enough, when he dropped down from the fin to the tail, Samus had readied a Charge Beam that blasted him back against the wall. Then, in one fluid motion, Samus grabbed the racer with her Grappling Beam and threw him off the ship. When he tried to recover, she hit him with another beam shot, not charged up this time, which was enough to send him off the stage, making Samus the winner.

The crowd cheered for the armor-clad bounty hunter. The Great Fox disappeared, leaving Samus standing on terra firma. The announcers were saying something about wearing nothing under her suit, and in the audience, Link gave an exasperated sigh.

Back at the mansion, everyone was congratulating Samus on her victory. Even Captain Falcon, who was still a little weak, said she fought well. Samus, however, suspected this was an attempt to get into her suit, so to speak. The Smashers were about to go off and do stuff, when the doorbell rang. Fox answered it, and could hardly believe what he saw...

O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O

A cliffhanger! How exciting (cough)! I haven't been getting many reviews lately, so I don't care who you are, just review! If you don't already know this, anonymous ones are accepted as well. Also, I may post another short, one-chapter story in the near future. Stay tuned!


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